Where I went to lose 100 pounds

When you need to lose 100 pounds, where can you go?

I'd heard of it before.  It was a place I'd associated with shame, a place I'd associated with those who'd let their lives get out of control, a place where idiots with "no fat chicks" stickers on their trucks would go to get a good laugh.  I'm talking about "fat camp".

I did NOT go there to lose 100 pounds.

There are physicians who can help you when you're considered "obese".  They can perform surgeries, give you shots, insert devices into your body to control your hunger. 

I did NOT go there to lose 100 pounds.


I went...
...to my kitchen.


I controlled my portions.  I made healthier choices.  I ate mainly what my body needed and not what my sweet tooth craved.  Most importantly though, I had support and I had help.

The support came from all directions - and it was immediate as soon as I admitted that I knew I needed a change.  I signed up with Weight Watchers, and instead of hiding it, I let all of my close friends and family know.  My family has been on this journey with me - trying new foods, accepting that junk foods would not be readily available, and choosing restaurants based on where I could eat and stay focused on my goals.

My Weight Watchers "family" has provided further support...they provide accountability, meal ideas, and the constant reminder that I'm not alone on this journey. 


It can't just be about what you're doing.  It has to be about who you've become.

Weight Watchers, to me, is not something I "joined".  It is not something I'm "doing".  It is the help I needed to get control of my own life, my own body and my own bad habits.  But let me make one thing very clear - Weight Watchers did not lose 100 pounds. I DID.  Weight Watchers did not cook for me.  Weight Watchers did not follow me around and go out to eat with me.  Weight Watchers did not grocery shop for me.  All WW provided were tools for me to do this MYSELF.

The first time I walked into Weight Watchers, I wanted to cry (I think I did!).  They were closing for the day and I knew if I walked out the door I wouldn't return.  Thankfully, the staff let me sign up and walked me through the program - they stayed a few minutes later than scheduled and those few moments probably saved my life.  I doubt they'll ever truly grasp how thankful I am for the few moments they spared me that Saturday afternoon.

I lost weight SLOWLY.  1 pound here, 2 pounds there, and then I'd gain some back.  Month after month, this was the routine.  Then we'd celebrate because I'd lost 5% of my body weight.  Then 10%.  A few months later, we celebrated 50 pounds!

To be honest, I didn't enjoy the celebrations - I didn't like the spotlight being on me (I still don't!).  I felt as though I should never have let myself get to a place where I even needed to lose 50 pounds.  I was still ashamed and embarrassed, despite my accomplishments.  The only reason I allowed the group to celebrate is that I hoped maybe I was inspiring someone - maybe someone else was fighting my same battle and if they saw me do it, they would believe that they could do the same.

Then I lost 65 pounds...the wardrobe I started with was completely gone.  The jeans I'd held onto since 1999 fit again.  Dressing rooms were now places of exhilaration as smaller and smaller sizes began to fit, and shopping for myself was actually fun!  I was getting around so much easier and faster -  it finally occurred to me that 36 wasn't as "old" as it had felt.  I was getting "carded" again at restaurants.  I was getting second glances from strange men.  I started to feel my self power return. 


Do you have to lose yourself to find yourself?

Where had this person gone?  The whole time I was at my largest, I still thought I was "me".  To some extent, I've always been "me", but I'd forgotten part of who that was.   I'd grown up a moderately confident woman, and though I'd kept on at least 20 pounds after each of 3 pregnancies, I would tell myself I was a good person, a good mother, a good wife, and that I was doing all I could do. 
People think "society" and "the media" teach us to hate ourselves - and I think the contrary is becoming more and more true - that a different sect of society is teaching us to praise our smallest accomplishments and stop "kicking ourselves" all the time - we're doing the best we can, aren't we? 
Well, what if we're not?  What if what I need is a swift kick in the butt and the only person not afraid to kick my butt is me?  What if someone needs to say, "no, Leilani, you are most certainly NOT doing the BEST you can do.  You are capable of more and better things. Do them. Do them NOW."  So I shut out the voices who were telling me that I was "fine" and started losing the weight that was suppressing my confidence. 


100 Pounds Lighter

Soon my 1999 jeans were too big, then the size down from those was too big, and now the size down from THAT is getting a little roomy!  I've never been a tiny person, and I don't have any plans to be tiny now.  I want to be curvy and healthy.  I want to look like a woman - the kind you think of when you picture soft beauty.  I do not want to be a supermodel and I do not want to look like someone who could kick your ass in a dark alley. 

100 pounds lighter, I do not feel like a "new" me - I feel like an improved version of the original me.  I feel like I'm closer to the image God had in mind when he created me.  I feel like I'm a better example to my children.  I feel like I'm more deserving of my husband.

100 pounds lighter, I'm now upset when people ask me how much weight I've lost because I feel like they're asking "damn, how fat were you?"  I hope they find me an inspiration, but I will forever fear they're only asking about my weight loss because they want to make fun of me.  I'm finally fairly happy being me - and some people just don't like it when you're happy with yourself.
It is largely my own fear that leads me to think people are not happy for me, but laughing at me. That last part, the shame of the years of feeling like the biggest person in the room (whether I was or not), will be my last hurdle to overcome; and it will be much more difficult then losing my last few pounds and fitting comfortably into a size 8.

NOW WHAT?

 My journey continues, and I have 18 pounds to go before I can be considered an "ideal" weight for my height.  I will never "go off" Weight Watchers - portion control must be a part of my life forever and I'm ok with that.  I'm actually hoping to work for WW so that I can help others who have been in my place - and I can help them learn the power of doing it THEMSELVES.

So now I've bared my soul - shared my dirty laundry with the world.  I can only hope that it meant something to someone - that my triumphs and struggles, embarrassing moments and proud moments can bring others to a place where they too desire something better for themselves than their status quo.  Start somewhere. Do something!

If I'd done nothing, then I shudder to think how many pounds I'd need to lose now!

At the beginning of my journey...God bless Shawn for loving me no matter what!!!

60 pounds lighter on our 10th Anniversary European Cruise

100 pounds lighter!!!