Where I went to lose 100 pounds

When you need to lose 100 pounds, where can you go?

I'd heard of it before.  It was a place I'd associated with shame, a place I'd associated with those who'd let their lives get out of control, a place where idiots with "no fat chicks" stickers on their trucks would go to get a good laugh.  I'm talking about "fat camp".

I did NOT go there to lose 100 pounds.

There are physicians who can help you when you're considered "obese".  They can perform surgeries, give you shots, insert devices into your body to control your hunger. 

I did NOT go there to lose 100 pounds.


I went...
...to my kitchen.


I controlled my portions.  I made healthier choices.  I ate mainly what my body needed and not what my sweet tooth craved.  Most importantly though, I had support and I had help.

The support came from all directions - and it was immediate as soon as I admitted that I knew I needed a change.  I signed up with Weight Watchers, and instead of hiding it, I let all of my close friends and family know.  My family has been on this journey with me - trying new foods, accepting that junk foods would not be readily available, and choosing restaurants based on where I could eat and stay focused on my goals.

My Weight Watchers "family" has provided further support...they provide accountability, meal ideas, and the constant reminder that I'm not alone on this journey. 


It can't just be about what you're doing.  It has to be about who you've become.

Weight Watchers, to me, is not something I "joined".  It is not something I'm "doing".  It is the help I needed to get control of my own life, my own body and my own bad habits.  But let me make one thing very clear - Weight Watchers did not lose 100 pounds. I DID.  Weight Watchers did not cook for me.  Weight Watchers did not follow me around and go out to eat with me.  Weight Watchers did not grocery shop for me.  All WW provided were tools for me to do this MYSELF.

The first time I walked into Weight Watchers, I wanted to cry (I think I did!).  They were closing for the day and I knew if I walked out the door I wouldn't return.  Thankfully, the staff let me sign up and walked me through the program - they stayed a few minutes later than scheduled and those few moments probably saved my life.  I doubt they'll ever truly grasp how thankful I am for the few moments they spared me that Saturday afternoon.

I lost weight SLOWLY.  1 pound here, 2 pounds there, and then I'd gain some back.  Month after month, this was the routine.  Then we'd celebrate because I'd lost 5% of my body weight.  Then 10%.  A few months later, we celebrated 50 pounds!

To be honest, I didn't enjoy the celebrations - I didn't like the spotlight being on me (I still don't!).  I felt as though I should never have let myself get to a place where I even needed to lose 50 pounds.  I was still ashamed and embarrassed, despite my accomplishments.  The only reason I allowed the group to celebrate is that I hoped maybe I was inspiring someone - maybe someone else was fighting my same battle and if they saw me do it, they would believe that they could do the same.

Then I lost 65 pounds...the wardrobe I started with was completely gone.  The jeans I'd held onto since 1999 fit again.  Dressing rooms were now places of exhilaration as smaller and smaller sizes began to fit, and shopping for myself was actually fun!  I was getting around so much easier and faster -  it finally occurred to me that 36 wasn't as "old" as it had felt.  I was getting "carded" again at restaurants.  I was getting second glances from strange men.  I started to feel my self power return. 


Do you have to lose yourself to find yourself?

Where had this person gone?  The whole time I was at my largest, I still thought I was "me".  To some extent, I've always been "me", but I'd forgotten part of who that was.   I'd grown up a moderately confident woman, and though I'd kept on at least 20 pounds after each of 3 pregnancies, I would tell myself I was a good person, a good mother, a good wife, and that I was doing all I could do. 
People think "society" and "the media" teach us to hate ourselves - and I think the contrary is becoming more and more true - that a different sect of society is teaching us to praise our smallest accomplishments and stop "kicking ourselves" all the time - we're doing the best we can, aren't we? 
Well, what if we're not?  What if what I need is a swift kick in the butt and the only person not afraid to kick my butt is me?  What if someone needs to say, "no, Leilani, you are most certainly NOT doing the BEST you can do.  You are capable of more and better things. Do them. Do them NOW."  So I shut out the voices who were telling me that I was "fine" and started losing the weight that was suppressing my confidence. 


100 Pounds Lighter

Soon my 1999 jeans were too big, then the size down from those was too big, and now the size down from THAT is getting a little roomy!  I've never been a tiny person, and I don't have any plans to be tiny now.  I want to be curvy and healthy.  I want to look like a woman - the kind you think of when you picture soft beauty.  I do not want to be a supermodel and I do not want to look like someone who could kick your ass in a dark alley. 

100 pounds lighter, I do not feel like a "new" me - I feel like an improved version of the original me.  I feel like I'm closer to the image God had in mind when he created me.  I feel like I'm a better example to my children.  I feel like I'm more deserving of my husband.

100 pounds lighter, I'm now upset when people ask me how much weight I've lost because I feel like they're asking "damn, how fat were you?"  I hope they find me an inspiration, but I will forever fear they're only asking about my weight loss because they want to make fun of me.  I'm finally fairly happy being me - and some people just don't like it when you're happy with yourself.
It is largely my own fear that leads me to think people are not happy for me, but laughing at me. That last part, the shame of the years of feeling like the biggest person in the room (whether I was or not), will be my last hurdle to overcome; and it will be much more difficult then losing my last few pounds and fitting comfortably into a size 8.

NOW WHAT?

 My journey continues, and I have 18 pounds to go before I can be considered an "ideal" weight for my height.  I will never "go off" Weight Watchers - portion control must be a part of my life forever and I'm ok with that.  I'm actually hoping to work for WW so that I can help others who have been in my place - and I can help them learn the power of doing it THEMSELVES.

So now I've bared my soul - shared my dirty laundry with the world.  I can only hope that it meant something to someone - that my triumphs and struggles, embarrassing moments and proud moments can bring others to a place where they too desire something better for themselves than their status quo.  Start somewhere. Do something!

If I'd done nothing, then I shudder to think how many pounds I'd need to lose now!

At the beginning of my journey...God bless Shawn for loving me no matter what!!!

60 pounds lighter on our 10th Anniversary European Cruise

100 pounds lighter!!!

Over-programmed and proud of it!

There are many things I swore I'd never do.  I'd never be a minivan-momma.  I'd never be a "30-something" reading "Twilight" books.  I'd never be a soccer mom.

I am currently all of these things!

In my defense, I have to drive a minivan - we have 3 children.  Further, I feel completely justified reading "Twilight" (and its series sisters "New Moon", "Eclipse", and "Breaking Dawn").  They are excellent books!

I had a moment's trouble with the title "Soccer Mom" though.  I find no fault with soccer, nor with me driving my child to and from practice/games.  With the addition of soccer however, came the realization that my family was officially over-programmed.  We have some sort of activity almost every single day!  Including weekends!

My advice to myself and to you - embrace the chaos of an overprogrammed- life! 
We have so many things going on that are GOOD, that we don't really have time for much that is what I like to call "the UNgood". 

"Ungood" vs. "bad"

Ungood  - sitting on the couch for hours, watching  too much TV, playing too many video games, and eating too much from sheer boredom.  Behaviors that are undesirable, but not dangerous in any obvious way.

Bad  - drugs, underage drinking, stealing, smoking, fighting, etc.


I hope our overprogrammed life is protecting from both the ungood and the bad.  I hope having my daughter at ballet 3 times a week will keep her from becoming a couch potato queen and will fill her with grace and strength.  I hope my son burns some energy on his soccer field and gains skills and friendships through Boy Scouts.  Even the baby can learn support for family by being our captive prisoner as we travel from activity to activity - and occasionally he even gets an activity of his own!

We've added charity walks - showing our children that we are a family who cares about other people (and fitness!).  We've added NFL and NCAA football games - which will get us out of the house and which we will enjoy as a family.  And we've added out-of-state travel to meet our new nephew...and show our children the importance of knowing and supporting family.  We've even started being regular attendees at church, hopefully giving our children a sense of community and faith in something larger than themselves.  Everything we've added to make our lives a hectic mess is also simultaneously making us better people - stronger, kinder, more interesting people.

Yes, I do get tired of driving all the time to activities that hold no personal interest for me.  My cooking some days makes Hamburger Helper look like gourmet cuisine.  The cleanliness of my home might make Martha Stewart elect to go back to prison. 

But I leave you with this question: 
Would you rather have a neat home and a predictable, but possibly boring, existence?
OR interesting and productive chaos?  

As for me - I'm trying to find a balance between the two.  It will have to wait until next year though. We're all booked.



You're being watched!

There is someone watching you!  I'm serious!  They have been watching you for years and you don't even know it.  They know when you go to bed, what you watch on tv, where you sleep and what you eat.  They can very easily steal your credit card number, your car, your jewelry...or your heart. 

I'm talking about...
your children.

I realized I was being watched a little over a year ago.  I had given birth to our 3rd (and last!) child and  I had gained a LOT of weight.  A few months after baby Kyle was born, I was shocked (ok, not really shocked) to learn that I was at my highest non-pregnant weight ever.     My doctor looked at me (again) and said (again) "you know you need to lose some weight".  To which I replied (again) "yes, I know." 

A few weeks later, I joined Weight Watchers.  It seemed like a plan I could follow. I don't mind measuring and counting and it was certainly a better alternative to major bariatric surgery.  This is also when I began to notice that I had a stalker who watched my every move - my 7 year old daughter.

She would ask me what I was doing.  She asked if she could help in the kitchen.  She read my WW books and let me know when a certain food had too many PointsPlus.  I was happy she was interested and thought maybe the good thing I had done for my own life might also have a positive impact on hers.  I was losing weight while simultaneously being a FABULOUS mom!   I was in awe of my own greatness!

Then it occurred to me - she didn't just start watching me; she has been watching me all along.  She sees how much time I spend on Facebook, what shows I record on the DVR (that she is not allowed to watch), what I wear to drive her to school - and when I "sneak" a 2nd cupcake, she sees it and she wants one too.   What am I teaching her about mental and physical health?

My 9 year old son has been watching me too.   He sees me with one hand on the steering wheel while the other is on my cell phone.  He sees me speeding on the interstate and running yellow (ok, red) lights in town.  And on a deeper level, he is forming his first thoughts and opinions about women by watching what I'm doing.  When I spend money we don't have on things we don't need, when I leave the house and I'm looking barely presentable because I was too lazy to "fix" myself that day - he could be processing these things as acceptable female attributes.  What kind of wife is he going to seek based on what he is learning from me?

Am I setting a good enough example for my children?

It is important to me that I "train" my children to be positive, productive members of society.  I want them to be healthy, happy and self-confident.  I want what we all want when we have children - for things to be better and easier for them than they were for us.  After being stalked by the little buggers, I'm realizing that I can't just want these things - I have to manifest them.  I have to live a good life so that they can see what a good life looks like!    

One of my movie heroes, Yoda (of Star Wars fame), says "TRY not.  DO. Or do not.  There is no try."   Yoda is a genius.  He is also a fictional and very powerful Jedi master, which I, sadly, am not. So I try. Each day I try.  I try to eat healthier, spend smarter, drive safer and live better.  I fail at times - I still shop, I still talk on the phone while driving, and I fail frequently at eating healthier, especially if there are tortilla chips and margaritas involved (the villains!).  The point is - I'm aware that I'm being watched.  I know they are tracking me and God help me, I'm going to put on a better show for my little stalkers from now on.

Be a user!

We purchase items to maintain our homes & lives.  Some of these items are not true necessities, but things we intend to use to make a small sector of our lives a little bit better.   Products like "Febreeze" are bought to help our home smell lovely (or hide the fact that our  home, in fact, never smells lovely!).  Products like "Dryel" can help save money on dry cleaning while still allowing us to have good fabrics in our wardrobe.  Most of us also have a drawer or cabinet where we keep things like candles, pretty serving dishes, and "the good napkins", which we save only for guests.  

I myself have an entire cabinet devoted to party supplies. I don't entertain much, but for some reason I cannot resist themed napkins, funky drink stirrers, and little wine glass charms to help seperate my wine glass from yours (which I don't really need - my glass is usually the empty one that needs a refill!).  About four years ago, I purchased some little teacup shaped votive holders (photo below) because they were,and I quote, "too cute not to buy".  I decided my new friends and I would most definitely use them for a tea party for our little girls.  Then we waited. We waited for one of the girls to get a little older. We waited for Summer. We waited for Spring.  We waited for schedules to align.  The sad fact was - we waited four years.

So this brings us to today's tip for your better life  - USE THINGS!  You bought them to make a small portion of your life better - and then may have forgotten that you did this nice thing for yourself.   Why are you hoarding the Febreeze?  Trust me - if it runs out, Target will be happy to sell you another bottle.  For what occasion are you saving the candles?  or the fine china?  or the good (and usually washable!) napkins?   Use the good stuff - your family is worth it. YOU are worth it.  And, as an added bonus, using these things will begin to free up the space they've been monopolizing in your cabinets and on your shelves. 

Your better life awaits you and you probably already have some of the items you need to get started.     I made my daughter's life better (and inherently my own) by using the things I already had to throw a lovely tea party for her and her friends.  I stopped waiting for the right moment to make our lives better.  I used things. And I'm proud of it.

We even used the good china.